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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28643997">The Journals of Merlin and Arthur</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/auspicious_dragon/pseuds/auspicious_dragon'>auspicious_dragon</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Diary/Journal, Emotional Hurt, M/M, Merthur - Freeform, Relationship Advice</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:09:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,149</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28643997</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/auspicious_dragon/pseuds/auspicious_dragon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin ghosts Arthur because his unrequited love for his best friend is too painful.  Arthur is hurt and wonders why Merlin doesn't like him any more.   Merlin's and Arthur's journal entries tell the story.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Arthur Pendragon/Sophia (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Journals of Merlin and Arthur</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Merlin’s Journal – July 5, 2019</em>
</p><p>If I could change the past, I wouldn’t have gone to that 4th of July party. I should have known that Arthur would be there. With a date. A beautiful girl who couldn’t take her eyes off him. I asked Gwen who she was. “Oh, that’s Sophia,” Gwen said. “Arthur’s been dating her for three months now.”</p><p>I stopped talking to Arthur about six months ago. That was my New Year’s resolution—giving up Arthur. It just got to be too painful, and I had to protect myself. When you’re in love with a guy who doesn’t love you back, it hurts like hell to spend time with him. The desperate longing to touch, to kiss, to make love to him. I knew I had to get over Arthur, and the only way I knew how was to stay away from him. That hurt too, but not as much as seeing him every day and having to pretend I wasn’t in love with him.</p><p>So, I went to that fucking party and had to see him with Sophia’s arm around him. And I was fucked—back to the same fucked-up emotional state I was in six months ago.</p><p>Arthur was confused when I stopped spending time with him. I couldn’t tell him the real reason. Now he thinks I’m a complete asshole—someone who would just throw away a close friendship for no reason. I just made up my mind one day that I had to stay away from him. Starting on that day, whenever he suggested getting together, I would make up some excuse. “Sorry, Arthur, no can do, got a lot going on,” I’d say.</p><p>Eventually he started to get pissed off. “What the hell is going on with you, Merlin?” he asked. “You mad at me or something?” “No, of course not,” I said. “I’ve just been really busy.”</p><p>“Well, I’m sick of always reaching out and getting the brush off,” Arthur said. “So, why don’t you call me if you ever want to get together. I’m not going to initiate anymore.” “OK, I understand how you feel, Arthur,” was all I said in reply.</p><p>That was the last time we talked—about six months ago. I haven’t exactly been happy since then, but at least I wasn’t as miserable as I used to be. Of course, I missed Arthur, especially at first. But I got used to not seeing him. My friend Gwaine doesn’t believe the cliché, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” Instead, Gwaine says, “Absence makes the heart grow cold.” I think Gwaine may be right, although my heart hasn’t grown completely cold when it comes to Arthur. There’s still a longing, a pining there, but it’s not as strong as it once was.</p><p>But now, after going to that fucking party, I’m sort of back to square one. I have to resume my attempts to get Arthur out of my system. We didn’t talk at the party. Arthur nodded at me from across the room, and I nodded back. We stayed away from each other. I caught him looking at me a couple of times. I couldn’t help looking at him once in a while. He seemed to be doing OK. I saw him smiling and laughing from time to time. Well, why not when he had a beautiful girl hanging on him. I ended up going to the party alone. Too bad Gwaine was busy that night—I always have some fun when he’s around.</p><p>Gwen introduced me to a couple of guys—her brother Elyan and a guy named Mordred. I think Gwen is playing matchmaker, trying to set me up with someone. I sense that Elyan and Mordred are both gay, so maybe I have a shot with one of them, but with all these metrosexuals it’s hard to tell anymore who’s gay, who’s bi, and who’s straight. And I don’t know if I should really date until I’m completely over this Arthur thing. But maybe dating will help me get over it. I’ll have to think about that some more.</p><p>
  <em>Arthur’s Journal – July 5, 2019 </em>
</p><p>I was shocked to see Merlin at the party. I hadn’t seen him in months. He didn’t even smile at me, let alone come over and say hello. So I just nodded at him. I won’t reach out to him because he acts like he doesn’t even know me now. I used to think he was my best friend. I have no idea what happened. I keep wondering if I did something wrong. All of a sudden he stopped talking to me, like he was really mad at me. He kept telling me he was too busy to get together. When I confronted him about it, he told me some bullshit about having too much going on. If he’s mad about something, he should just talk to me. That’s what friends do.</p><p>I have to admit that I’m hurt and angry. Friends don’t just ghost each other. That’s what Merlin did to me. It was weird to see him smiling and laughing with Gwen, Elyan and Mordred. How can he be so friendly to other people and so cold to me? We used to be tight. But there’s nothing I can do when he won’t tell me the truth. I think I should talk to someone about it—maybe Gwen knows something. Or maybe Gwaine—I know Merlin and Gwaine like each other. Or did he ghost Gwaine too?</p><p>
  <em>Merlin’s Journal – July 12, 2019 </em>
</p><p>Oh, shit. Gwen called and said she wanted to meet and talk to me about Arthur. I really don’t want to have that conversation, but I couldn’t say no. That would just make her suspect that something weird is going on. Something weird IS going on, but I can’t tell her the truth. So we’re meeting for coffee tomorrow. I’m feeling really anxious. I can’t stop wondering what Gwen has to say and what I can say back to her. I keep rehearsing all these different conversations in my head, and I know that’s just crazy. I wish I could stop worrying about meeting Gwen tomorrow.</p><p>
  <em>Arthur’s Journal – July 12, 2019 </em>
</p><p>I talked to Gwen yesterday about Merlin ghosting me. She said she didn’t know why—Merlin never talked to her about it. She asked if it would be okay for her to talk to Merlin and see what she could find out. I said yes, but now I wonder if that was a good idea. If Merlin doesn’t want to be my friend anymore, there’s not a lot I can do about it. I won’t beg him to be my friend again. But I am confused and hurt by how he acted. Angry too. We were friends for years and he just ghosts me. Who does that?</p><p>
  <em> Merlin’s Journal – July 13, 2019 </em>
</p><p>I just got back from talking to Gwen. Shit. Now I feel like a total jerk. She said that Arthur’s really hurt and angry that I ghosted him. She said that he called her and was obviously upset after seeing me at the party. He told her that I didn’t even smile at him, and he couldn’t understand how I could turn my back on him after we were such close friends for years. Arthur also said he thought I was mad at him and a real friend would tell him what he did wrong. I tried to act all innocent with Gwen, but I don’t think she bought it. I told her I was sorry that Arthur felt hurt and angry, and I wasn’t mad at him. I said I was just dealing with a lot of personal stuff and the past year had been pretty crazy, so I didn’t have much time for a social life anymore.</p><p>She looked skeptical and said, “Merlin, you need to make time for the people you care about. And you and Arthur used to be so close. Just talk to him, okay?” I couldn’t say no—that would have been awkward, so I said sure, I’ll call him one of these days. I don’t know if I will but knowing Gwen she’ll give me shit if I don’t.</p><p>
  <em>Arthur’s Journal – July 14, 2019 </em>
</p><p>So Gwen told me about her conversation with Merlin. Sounds like he gave her the same bullshit he gave me. He’s not mad at me, he’s sorry I’m hurt and angry, he’s just been too busy. Sure, Merlin, like I believe that. He told her he would call me. I won’t hold my breath. Fuck him if he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. I have to stop thinking about Merlin—it just puts me in a bad mood.</p><p>Speaking of bad moods, I’m getting sick of Sophia. It was OK for a while, but it’s getting old. She’s too clingy. I don’t like clingy girls who try too hard. Like at that party she had her arm around me the whole time and followed me everywhere, like my shadow. I like to be with someone who’s more independent, someone who won’t stay by my side the whole night but will mingle and talk to other people. Another thing that bugs me about Sophia is she keeps asking me how I’m doing and how I’m feeling. It’s like she gets anxious if I’m not completely happy. It’s like having an overprotective mom. So I guess that means that I have to end things with her, which I am not looking forward to. Ugh.</p><p>Now that Merlin is no longer in the picture, maybe I need some new guy friends. I might get together with Gwaine sometime. He’s always good for a laugh, and I haven’t seen him in a while. It might even be a nice change of pace to date a guy—Mordred is kind of cute, maybe I could ask him out. I’ll sleep on it.</p><p>
  <em>Merlin’s Journal – July 20, 2019 </em>
</p><p>I can’t bring myself to contact Arthur. I know I should, but I’m a big coward. And what would I say to him? I really need to stay away from him. If I don’t, I’ll just keep being hopelessly in love with him and miserable for the rest of my life. Maybe I should tell him the truth. “Arthur, I’ve been in love with you for years, and it’s gotten too painful. You’re like an addiction and I have to quit you cold turkey. That’s why I ghosted you. It’s not because I don’t like you. It’s because I love you and you don’t love me back.” That’s a terrifying thought. It’s probably what I should do, that would be the honorable thing to do, but it’s so damn scary.</p><p>I went over to Gwaine’s last night and we watched a Chinese kung fu film called Double World on Netflix. Not much of a plot, but exciting action scenes and great special effects. Gwaine is a good friend and I like spending time with him. The only awkward moment was when he brought up Arthur. He said that Arthur called him and they were going to get together later this week. Gwaine asked me if I had seen Arthur lately, and I told him I hadn’t seen him in a while. That surprised him because Arthur and I used to hang out all the time. I didn’t know what to tell Gwaine, so I just said that Arthur and I had just kind of drifted apart, but we didn’t have a falling out or anything like that. I could tell that Gwaine was puzzled but he just let it slide.</p><p>I thought about telling Gwaine the real reason I’m staying away from Arthur. I think Gwaine would understand—he’s bi after all—but it’s kind of embarrassing to admit you’ve been in love with your best friend all these years. But keeping this big secret has been weighing me down for a long time now.</p><p>
  <em>Arthur’s Journal – July 27, 2019</em>
</p><p>I broke up with Sophia the day before yesterday. That was so hard. I hate making girls cry. She cried and asked me what she did wrong. I tried to avoid the cliché “It’s not you, it’s me,” but I said something similar. I told her she didn’t do anything wrong, I just didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone at this point in my life. That was a lie. I do want to be in a relationship, just not with Sophia.</p><p>The whole thing with Sophia got me thinking about my dating history. I keep getting together with these girls who throw themselves at me and it never works out. I end up not enjoying my time with them because they act all besotted and clingy, and I hate that. I want someone who treats me as an equal, someone who isn’t afraid to call me on my bullshit, someone who won’t worship the ground I walk on.</p><p>Maybe I should try going out with guys for a change. Not many people know that I’m bi—because I’ve never dated a guy before. But there were guys I was attracted to, I just never acted on it. Probably because I was afraid of what my dad would do if he found out. He’d freak out, I’m sure. But I’m an adult now, I should be able to go out with whoever I want. So I think I’ll ask Mordred to go on a date with me. I can get his number from Gwen.</p><p>Gwaine and I got together yesterday and had a good time. Same old Gwaine, with his long-winded, funny stories about all his crazy adventures. I couldn’t stop laughing. Except when he said that he saw Merlin about once a week and they recently got together for a movie night. He said that Merlin told him we had drifted apart for no apparent reason. Yeah, right, no apparent reason. Bullshit. And so much for Merlin being too busy for a social life. Just too busy to spend time with me. That hurt. Fuck you, Merlin. I’m pissed as hell with you. Maybe I’ll tell you that to your face some day.</p><p>
  <em>Merlin’s Journal – July 31, 2019 </em>
</p><p>Something unexpected just happened. Gwen’s brother Elyan called and asked me out. He said he got my number from Gwen. He sounded pretty nervous, and I tried to put him at ease. I know how hard it is to ask someone out. So we’re going out on Saturday night. He suggested Arezzo for supper and then the Roundup for drinks and dancing afterwards. Sounds like fun. I haven’t been out clubbing in ages. This might get my mind off Arthur.</p><p>Speaking of Arthur, Gwaine said he and Arthur got together earlier this week. Gwaine said he hadn’t seen Arthur in a while and they had fun. I felt a twinge of jealousy and nostalgia. I wish I could be with Arthur like that. But I remember how much it hurt. Gwaine said that Arthur looked upset when he heard that Gwaine and I watched the Chinese movie together. That made me think about what Gwen told me—Arthur’s hurt and angry that I ghosted him. I feel so guilty. Guilt sucks.</p><p>
  <em>Arthur’s Journal – July 31, 2019 </em>
</p><p>The big news is that I asked Mordred out and he said yes! We’re going out on Saturday night. I’m taking him to Auriga for supper, and then we’ll probably go clubbing somewhere. Mordred said that he likes to go to gay clubs that play good music and where lots of people dance the night away. I’ll let him pick the clubs since I’m not all that familiar with the gay club scene.</p><p>This feels like an adventure because I’ve never officially dated a guy before. I’m a little nervous. I’ve only had sex with a guy once, and that was about three years ago. I made eye contact with this guy named Elliot, one thing led to another—we ended up going to his place and having sex. I didn’t know what I was doing, but he took charge and it felt good. I wanted to tell Merlin about it but I chickened out. I knew Merlin was gay and after having sex with Elliot I wondered what it would be like to have sex with Merlin. But I was afraid that if I said anything it would mess up our friendship. Which, it turns out, is totally gone now. Fuck you, Merlin, fuck you for abandoning me.</p><p>
  <em>Merlin’s Journal – August 4, 2019 </em>
</p><p>Shit, shit, shit. The date from hell. Actually it started out fine. Elyan is very cute and very nice. He’s like a male version of Gwen. Adorable. We had a wonderful supper at Arrezo—terrific gourmet Italian food. Elyan is easy to talk to—he’s interesting and well-read and knows a lot about the things I’m interested in—politics, art, literature, music. We had a great conversation over dinner.</p><p>But then things went downhill when we got to the Roundup. I’m a lightweight when it comes to alcohol. I had two glasses of wine at dinner, and when we got to the Roundup I had two screwdrivers, so I was feeling pretty loaded. When Elyan and I finished our drinks, we headed to the dance floor. That’s when I saw Arthur and Mordred. What the hell? Arthur is at a gay club dancing with a gay guy? And it turns out that they’re on a fucking date. Arthur is gay? Or bi? What the fuck is going on?</p><p>Elyan and Mordred are all excited. Elyan gives Mordred and Arthur big hugs, and Mordred gives me a hug. Arthur and I just stare at each other. I have to hide how shocked I am and do something about how awkward this is, so I try to act all casual and say, “Hey, Arthur, good to see you.” And he just stares at me and says, “Hi Emrys.” My god, Emrys. I can’t recall him ever addressing me by my last name. That showed me how pissed he is at me, and I felt my heart ache like never before.</p><p>Mordred and Elyan decided that the four of us should spend the rest of the night together, like a double date. So the rest of the night was hell for me—having to watch Mordred and Arthur on a date. When they slow danced, it felt like torture—watching Arthur hold Mordred close to him, imagining what they were going to do after they left the Roundup, probably going to Arthur’s or Mordred’s to have sex. I tried to pretend that everything was cool, but Elyan noticed that something wasn’t right. He said, “You got quiet all of a sudden. Are you feeling OK?” I told him that I was a lightweight and just feeling the effects of the alcohol, but I was alright.</p><p>I didn’t want to act all moody—that wouldn’t be fair to Elyan—so I put on a cheerful act for the rest of the night, even though I was dying inside. I pretended that I was having the time of my life. When Elyan dropped me off at my apartment, I told him that I had a wonderful time and kissed him on the cheek. He is such a nice guy and deserves a guy who isn’t in love with his former best friend. And if that ex-friend is gay or bi, did I ever have a chance with him? And why did he never tell me, knowing that I’m gay? Probably because he didn’t want me to think he was available because I’m not his type. Shit.</p><p>I couldn’t lead Elyan on, but I didn’t want to hurt him either. I don’t know if he was hoping that I would invite him in for sex, but I just couldn’t do it. I hope he wasn’t disappointed or hurt. I really do like him, but I realized tonight that I’m still hung up on Arthur. Fuck.</p><p>
  <em>Arthur’s Journal – August 4, 2019 </em>
</p><p>My life sucks. I was looking forward to my date with Mordred. It was going to be an adventure, my first official date with a guy. A cute guy who is smart, outgoing, and fun. So we have an excellent meal at Auriga and good conversation. Then he suggests going to a gay club called the Roundup. He said he knows the DJ, the music is great, and he really likes the atmosphere there.</p><p>We get to the Roundup, have a few drinks, and then head to the dance floor. Then who the fuck shows up? Elyan and Merlin of all people. On a fucking date. Fucking Merlin acts like everything’s cool between us, says something like, “Hey, Arthur, good to see you.” As if. I can’t even call him Merlin, I’m so pissed. So I say, “Hello, Emrys.” I see the shocked look on his face, and I feel some sense of satisfaction, but it fades quickly and all I feel is hurt. I see him having a good time with Elyan, and I feel jealous. Why doesn’t he like me anymore?</p><p>So now Merlin knows that I’m bi. I wanted to tell him when we were still friends, but it felt awkward after being friends for so long. And to be honest I was trying to be straight for a lot of that time. I know what my dad thinks about same-sex relationships. So it was natural to let everyone assume that I was completely straight. I was also afraid that if I told Merlin I was bi, it would eventually come out that I was attracted to him. And that would make things super awkward between us. But now it doesn’t matter since he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.</p><p>This is hard to admit but I couldn’t help noticing how good Merlin looked on Saturday in his black skinny jeans and that bright blue shirt. I always thought he was handsome. There were times when we were still friends that I wanted to touch him, but I had to control those urges because I didn’t want to screw up our friendship. So at those times I would do something a straight guy might do to another straight guy he was close to, like mess up his hair or grab his shoulder.</p><p>I hated seeing Merlin with Elyan. It looked like Merlin was having a great time—smiling and laughing with Elyan. I kept thinking how can he have such a good time with other people, like Elyan and Gwaine, and refuse to spend time with me? I keep wondering why he’s so mad at me. What the hell did I do wrong? It’s driving me crazy. Seeing him and Elyan dancing was the worst. It hurt to watch his body move like that and press up against Elyan, but I couldn’t stop watching him. My life sucks.</p><p>
  <em> Merlin’s Journal – August 9, 2019 </em>
</p><p>I couldn’t keep it all to myself anymore. I had to talk to someone, so I picked Gwaine. He’s a good friend, and I trust him. Maybe I should have talked to him before now, but I’m glad I finally did. It was a relief to finally unburden myself. So I told Gwaine all about my feelings for Arthur and why I ghosted him. I told him what happened at the Roundup, and how it hurt like hell to see Arthur with Mordred. I told him how it was too hard to be around Arthur knowing that he didn’t love me back, but that it was also hard to stay away from him.</p><p>Gwaine was the best. He hugged me and told me how important I am to him. He’s such a terrific guy—I'm lucky to have such a good friend. I hope he and Percy get together. They’d make a great couple. Anyway, Gwaine told me that I should be honest with Arthur. He said that Arthur deserves that, given our history. That’s pretty much what Gwen told me. I know that they’re right. I have to tell Arthur the truth. Gwaine said that, no matter what happens between Arthur and me, Gwaine will be there for me. He’ll provide whatever support I need after being honest with Arthur. That was comforting. I can cry on Gwaine’s shoulder afterwards. So now I know what I need to do. Doing it is the hard part.</p><p>
  <em>Arthur’s Journal – August 13, 2019 </em>
</p><p>Merlin called me today—you could have knocked me over with a feather! He said that he was sorry for ghosting me and asked if we could get together to talk because he wanted to explain why he ghosted. He sounded very nervous. I’m still mad at him and hurt, but I’m curious to hear what he has to say. So we agreed to meet tomorrow at Java Jack’s.</p><p>
  <em>Merlin’s Journal – August 13, 2019 </em>
</p><p>I’m petrified. Tomorrow I have to tell Arthur why I ghosted him. Why did I let Gwaine talk me into this? I’ve got to rehearse what I’m going to say. How do I tell him that I was in love with him? Truth be told, I’m still in love with him. But Gwaine was right—Arthur deserves to know the truth. I can’t remember ever feeling this anxious—it’s worse than facing a big exam or a job interview. Maybe working out at the gym will help me lose some of this anxiety.</p><p>
  <em>Arthur’s Journal – August 14, 2019 </em>
</p><p>OMG, I can’t fucking believe it. Merlin totally blew my mind at Java Jack’s today. He told me that he ghosted me because he was in love with me and it hurt too much. That was the last thing in the world I expected to hear. I thought he was going to tell me what I did that pissed him off so much.</p><p>Merlin got to Java Jack’s before I did and was waiting for me in a booth. He stood up when I got there and thanked me for coming. I didn’t smile at him because I was still mad at him. I could tell that he was so fucking nervous, I saw his hand shaking. He started out by saying he was really sorry that he ghosted me and wanted to explain. It took him a while, and so I said, “Well, explain then.” And then he came out with it. He said, “Arthur, I ghosted you because I was in love with you and it hurt too much to be around you.”</p><p>Saying I was shocked is a gross understatement. I was completely flabbergasted. I didn’t know what to say. So Merlin kept talking. He said he knew I didn’t feel the same way about him, he just knew he wanted what I couldn’t give him, and he was always in emotional pain when we were together. He said ghosting me was self-preservation for him.</p><p>When I finally found my voice, I said, “Why the hell didn’t you tell me? We were best friends, Merlin. You could have told me.” He said he was too scared to tell me, and it wouldn’t have done any good because I didn’t feel the same way about him, and he couldn’t handle being rejected by me. I then said that I didn’t know how I would have reacted.</p><p>That’s when he said, “What was I to think?” He assumed I was straight because I only dated girls. He said he could tell I just thought of him as a friend and not as a romantic or sexual partner. Well, of course he assumed I wasn’t attracted to him because I kept that well hidden from him. But then I never knew he was in love with me because he kept that well hidden from me.</p><p>I didn’t know how to respond to his disclosure that he was in love with me. I had so many questions. How long? Why did he tell me now? Is he still in love with me? Where do we go from here? How do I feel about him now? Am I still angry, hurt, and confused? My mind was spinning, and I knew I needed time and space to process this mind-blowing new information.</p><p>So as my mind is spinning with all these thoughts, Merlin says, “Looks like I wasn’t the only one keeping a big secret. So what’s the deal with you and Mordred? I always assumed you were completely straight, but you’re dating a guy now?”  </p><p>I felt embarrassed. I told him that I’m bi and just recently came out and decided to try dating guys. I said that Mordred was the first guy I dated, and we only went out on the one date. I asked Merlin about his relationship with Elyan. He said that was their first and only date, and it had been fine until they ran into me and Mordred.</p><p>I told him it looked like he was having a good time, and he said he was pretending for Elyan’s sake because Elyan’s a nice guy and doesn’t deserve to have a date who’s in a bad mood. Classic Merlin, always thinking about how the other person feels, except in my case when he ghosted me and didn’t think about how that affected me emotionally. I guess I’m still somewhat angry with him even after hearing why he did it. He should have trusted me.</p><p>I eventually got to ask some of my questions. Merlin said it was really hard to tell me how he felt about me, but Gwen and Gwaine told him he owed it to me, and he knew they were right. At some point I have to thank them. When I asked Merlin how he felt about me now, he said that he had to be honest—he still had strong feelings for me and it was really hard for him to see me with Mordred at the Roundup. I have to admit that made me happy even though I’m still feeling some anger and hurt. He said that he fell for me a long time ago, and it got progressively harder for him to repress his feelings to the point where he felt he had to distance from me.</p><p>I told him that if he had only told me way back then we could have figured something out. “You should have trusted me,” I said. He didn’t look very convinced and just said, “Maybe.” He said he handled it the only way he knew how. I asked him, “Where do we go from here?” He said he didn’t know. I said I didn’t either. I told him that I had a lot to think about and had to figure out my thoughts and feelings. I said that I was glad that he finally told me the truth, I now understood why he ghosted me but I still felt some anger and hurt and needed some time to work through that.</p><p>Merlin said that made sense to him, and he needed to figure out whether he could handle being friends again. He said, “Unrequited love sucks big time especially when you see the person you love all the time.” I was tempted to say back to him, “Maybe it’s not unrequited,” but I was feeling too many conflicting emotions about Merlin, and it would be more than cruel if I don’t really love him that way. I’m confused and have a lot to sort out.</p><p>
  <em>Merlin’s Journal – August 14, 2019</em>
</p><p>I am so relieved it’s over. That was definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. And I’m still alive. Gwaine took me out for drinks afterwards. I had a couple of Dark and Stormy’s and the rum mellowed me out. Maybe I should have had a drink before meeting with Arthur—hindsight is always 20/20 right? It didn’t go horribly, but it wasn’t a piece of cake either. I don’t know where we stand now. He said he’s still feeling some anger and hurt, which I completely understand. I could have handled the whole thing a lot better. More hindsight. He said I should have trusted him and told him. He said he didn’t know how he would have reacted. But I couldn’t take that risk back then.</p><p>Arthur said he needed time and space to sort out a bunch of stuff—what I told him, his thoughts and feelings about that and about our relationship. I need to sort some stuff out too. I don’t know if we can be friends again, especially now that he knows how I feel about him. So he figured out that he’s bi and decided to start dating guys. I don’t know if that would make it easier or harder to be his friend. Probably harder. I hated seeing him with Mordred, that much I know. And it sucks even more that he’s attracted to guys but not attracted to me. Fuck. I wish I hadn’t thought about that.</p><p>
  <em>Arthur’s Journal – August 18, 2019 </em>
</p><p>I’ve been thinking about Merlin all week. Can’t get him out of my head. Still can’t believe he’s in love with me. He’s been in love with me all this time. He ghosted me because it hurt too much to be around me, thinking that I couldn’t love him back. I get that because I pretended to be straight all that time. I hid and shoved down my thoughts about him, my feelings for him because they scared me.</p><p>If I’m honest with myself, I have to admit that I’ve always loved Merlin. That’s why it hurt so much when he ghosted me and why I hated seeing him and Elyan together. God, I even remember thinking about his long, lean body, craving more closeness, wanting to touch him all the time. I came close to it so many times but tamped the urge down. I pictured us living together, sharing everything, spending all our free time together. After he ghosted me I was depressed for weeks. He was everything to me. No wonder it hurt so much. I have been so clueless. It’s always been Merlin. How did I not see that? I have to decide what to do now that I’ve figured some things out.</p><p>
  <em> Merlin’s Journal – August 20, 2019 </em>
</p><p>I’m a complete mess right now. Arthur called and said he wants to talk. So I agreed to meet him at Java Jack’s tomorrow after work. He didn’t drop any hints about what’s on his mind. I can’t stop wondering what he’s going to say and how I’m gonna feel afterwards. Frankly, I’m scared shitless.</p><p>
  <em>Arthur’s Journal – August 21, 2019 </em>
</p><p>I blew Merlin’s mind today, and I couldn't be happier! When he got to Java Jack’s I could tell that he was nervous. I started out by saying that I’ve been thinking a lot about what he told me last time and about our relationship. I told him that I was really hurt and angry when he ghosted me, but now I understood why he did it and that he was just trying to protect himself. So I couldn’t stay mad at him.</p><p>What I said next was what blew his mind. I told him that he didn’t need to protect himself from me because I loved him and wanted to be with him. He just stared at me then. I said, “Say something, Merlin.”</p><p>It took him a while, but eventually he asked, “What do you mean?” That took me by surprise—what a weird question to ask after a declaration of love. Only Merlin would ask a question like that. So I told him that I wanted to be his boyfriend. I explained that I had always been attracted to him but had kept that under wraps for so long, and that for years he had been the most important person in my life. I told him how happy I was when he told me that he was in love with me, and how much I hated seeing him with Elyan.</p><p>While I was explaining all that, Merlin just kept shaking his head and saying, “I don’t believe it.” Eventually I suggested going back to my apartment, where we ended up making out like teenagers all night long. I was feeling pretty horny, but Merlin said he had enough excitement for one day and wouldn’t be able to handle us having sex tonight. I told him I could wait at least until tomorrow morning, and I talked him into sleeping over. He’s crashed out now on my bed, and I look over at him once in a while as I write in this journal. He’s so fucking beautiful, and I’m beyond ecstatic to have him back in my life. I’m never gonna let him leave me again.</p>
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